By Tiffany Smith
Mommy to Bowen – Anencephaly loss in 2021
and big brother Cal, rainbow babies Beck and Winnie
In August 2021, my husband and I welcomed our second son Bowen, who had been diagnosed three months earlier with anencephaly, a terminal diagnosis. We knew we would have very little time with him, and On Angels’ Wings was there to photograph his birth. Bowen lived for only a few minutes, but OAW captured those moments with him that had already begun to blur in my memory. The photographs allow me to remember his dark blue eyes, long eyelashes, button nose and chubby cheeks, and they are some of the most treasured photos I will ever have.
I’ve previously shared Bowen’s full story, which you can read here:
Bowen Dean : Never Forget
Our relationship with OAW continued after Bowen’s death, including capturing our first rainbow baby Beck’s arrival, family events and the Grief Recovery Program. Losing Bowen was the absolute worst thing that ever happened to us. Even though our world was crashing around us, I knew I had to do something so I could still be a mom to our oldest. When I learned about the Grief Recovery Program through OAW, I knew I had to at least try it to save myself for my family. I was desperate for anything to help me.
I participated in the Grief Recovery Program in early 2022. To be honest, it was hard. During the program, I realized I had some trauma I had buried so deep within me that I completely forgot about some of it until this program. The program made me take the time to process some of it so I could heal. Only then could I work on processing my additional grief in a much healthier way than I was before. Even though it was hard in the moment, I would do it again.
Since completing the program, I have had new challenges and heartbreak that have caused grief in my life, including having a miscarriage. I can say that overall I have processed my grief in a much healthier way, and I’m also not ashamed to share my grief. I’m more open with my spouse and willing to feel my grief whereas before I tried to bury it and distract myself by staying busy or even shopping.
I have shared information on the program with others and have also purchased the book for a few people who are going through grief. Most of us grew up learning the wrong ways to process grief, because our parents also learned the wrong ways to process grief. It’s important for us to learn how to grieve in a healthy way not only ourselves, but also to teach our children and others so we can break the cycle. Pushing down grief, grieving incorrectly, only makes us struggle more.
It means a lot that OAW is still here for my family. Knowing that we can lean on OAW years later and that they still understand is meaningful. The amount of time they put into this program shows how much they care for their recipient families and our mental health.
Capturing memories is so important, but so is healing.
