By Connie Bumb
Mommy to Kayson
Micro-preemie born at 26 weeks in 2017
Two previous infant losses
My first pregnancy was full term with no complications, and I delivered my baby in 2009. So having two back-to-back pregnancies complicated by an incompetent cervix was surprising and unexpected.
In 2010, Malachi was born by emergency C-section following a placental abruption caused by early dilation from an incompetent cervix. He lived in the NICU for eight weeks before passing from NEC (necrotizing enterocolitis).
The following year, I lost Isaiah. He was born sleeping at 20 weeks, also following early dilation due to an incompetent cervix after I had been hospitalized for eight days.
I delivered my first rainbow baby in 2012 after having a cerclage placed at 13 weeks. I tragically and unexpectedly lost my husband too in 2013. After meeting my current husband, we welcomed my second rainbow — Kian — in 2015, again after having a cerclage placed at 13 weeks.
When I became pregnant with Kayson, I had another cerclage placed at 13 weeks, but this time my water broke at 25 weeks and 6 days. I spent the next week in the hospital before developing an infection in my uterus and having to deliver him at 26 weeks and 6 days.
I had been friends with Michelle Cramer, the founder of On Angels’ Wings, for a couple of years by this point, meeting unrelated to the organization. Went we met, however, it didn’t take me long to get involved as a volunteer in the St. Louis community, because I knew the impact — having professional photos of Malachi and Isaiah would have meant the world to me.
When I called Michelle to tell her I would soon be delivering Kayson by c-section, she immediately went into action. We lived more than three hours apart at the time, so she started contacting the volunteer photographers in St. Louis to get someone there for Kayson’s birth — and she succeeded. Katie arrived in time to capture every moment of his arrival. My favorite image is the one where the doctor delivered Kayson and just held him while the umbilical cord pushed the last bit of nutrients from my placenta to him. It’s this brief moment of peace in what was a chaotic and scary day.
Kayson was my sixth birth and third rainbow baby. He spent 11 weeks in the NICU before coming home with no support needed. He is now 9 years old, and unless you’ve known him since he was born, you’d never guess he was a micro-preemie.
After the loss of Malachi and Isaiah, and then the unexpected loss of my husband, I came to understand that grief is more than just the loss itself. It impacts every aspect of your life. I realized I couldn’t cope on my own.
I participated in the first Grief Recovery group offered by On Angels’ Wings in fall 2021. The process was HARD. Working through grief is uncomfortable, to say the least. But having this type of structure and doing it with a group who all had the same purpose — to try and make sense of things — and understanding reactions from yourself and others, helped me process more than I could imagine.
Since completing the program, I’ve been able to have a different outlook on how I process grief. Giving myself permission to feel all my feelings has not only changed how I process, but how I can also support others going through grief. I also learned not to put grief inside a tiny box and only consider death something that’s acceptable to grieve over. There are many different types of loss beyond the death of a loved one.
I would highly recommend OAW’s grief recovery program because it really gives you an understanding of the difference between how you have been processing grief and how you could be processing it instead.
I didn’t have this kind of support when I lost my two boys, but I’m grateful I’ve found them now. OAW offering ongoing support gives people more than a shoulder to cry on, but a community of people that understand what you’re going through.
And you can’t just find that anywhere.
