By Lisa Dickmann
Mommy to Cecelia
Trisomy 18
stillborn in July 2017
I got pregnant with our forth child in October 2016. I had an ultrasound in March 2018 where they found that the baby was measuring 4 weeks too small. In April 2018, at 29.5 weeks pregnant, she was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. I was in the car with my family on our way to Chicago when the doctor called. I was crushed. I could hardly breathe. I cried the rest of the way to Chicago. I cried more when we arrived. It was the deepest grief I have ever felt. I grieved that I wouldn’t be having a healthy child who would grow up smart and strong and one day become an adult who no longer needs my care. I grieved that I would bury this child. We didn’t know when, but the doctor didn’t mince words, and we knew we probably had less than a year with her. My whole life changed.
I was on my way to attend a course hosted by Marie Kondo who would be training tidying consultants in her spark joy philosophy of organizing. I went ahead and attended the course, though I felt deeply grieved and heartbroken by the news that my daughter had such low odds of survival. I bathed for two days in positive energy, learning about how to spark joy. I awoke the third day of the course feeling overwhelmed with gratitude that I was in this joyful place when I needed it the most. I had strength to face the journey ahead of me. I was able to share my gratitude with Marie Kondo. Her teachings, especially that of “letting go with gratitude,” continued to help me through the loss of our daughter, whom we named Cecelia.
We had 10 weeks from the diagnosis to love Cecelia as much as we could. We sought an induction the day before her due date, as I couldn’t feel her kicking and moving as much as before. It was really scary. She stayed with us though labor, her heartbeat on the monitor. We had a neonatal team ready to resuscitate her, but when she was born, she never took a breath. Stillborn. Again, I was heartbroken. Losing a child is so hard. Leaving the hospital without her and coming home to a house set up for a baby when there was no baby, was unimaginably difficult. I suffered an injury with the birth, and every step for the next 5 months was a reminder of her loss.
My living children were 8, 6, and 3 at the time. They experienced the uncertainty and grieve her loss alongside us, though I think to a lesser extent. It was hard on the 3-year-old, Kate, to lose the playmate she dreamed of. The kids came to meet her the day she was born, and Kate played with her like she was a doll. It was bittersweet to witness.
We got pregnant again 6 months after Cecelia’s birth. Our rainbow baby was expected to be healthy, but that didn’t make it easy to endure pregnancy and birth after loss. He arrived as expected in October 2018, and he brings joy to us every day. He just started kindergarten. Cecelia would be in second grade now.
I have the same hopes and dreams as most parents. I hope my family will continue to be healthy and happy in the years to come, and that the work I have done to learn about how to spark joy in life will help my children live joyful lives as well. I hope one day I will meet Cecelia again in heaven.
On Angels’ Wings did maternity pictures and birth pictures of Cecelia, and also maternity and newborn pictures of our rainbow baby. OAW’s pictures meant so much, especially the birth pictures of the daughter we lost, but also the rainbow baby pictures of our son. I especially love the photos of Cecelia in her purple, hand-made dress. The dress was truly worthy of how special she was. I like to look at it side-by-side with a picture of my rainbow baby, Evan, wrapped in a crocheted blanket. Funnily enough, while we were taking his newborn pictures, a friend had dropped off the blanket on the porch! The blanket made it just in time! I have loved doing other photos with OAW. It’s been healing to remember Cecelia.
