By Madison Shepard
We recently announced that we are moving from Southwest Missouri to Southwest Florida for a church plant! We know that we have been called to move there and join the church, and neither of us are questioning that, but I am finding myself scared to leave the place that was meant to be Indigo’s home. She never lived in the house we have now lived in for two years, I was never even pregnant with her while living in this house, but it does feel like we are leaving behind that part of her short life. I do not want to lose her.
It may sound silly to some people, especially those who have thankfully never had to suffer through the loss of the child, but there are so many memories here in Missouri that we made with Indigo while I was pregnant with her. We had her celebration of life service here, she grew and lived inside me here, and she was born and died here, too.
The house we live in was my safe haven after Indigo’s birth. I left the hospital ten hours after she was born, stayed in a Springfield hotel for the night, and then came back to Carthage. Before that, we had been staying with my parents for several months, but after her birth we came straight to our new house and moved in the same day. I stayed home as much as I could – these walls have seen many tears, but they have also seen many joys.
I found out I was pregnant with our rainbow baby while living here. This house that we have called home for two-and-a-half years is also where that same rainbow, Azure, was born. It may surprise most, especially following the death of our daughter, but we wanted and chose a home birth for Azure. Truthfully, we had wanted the same thing for Indigo’s birth but had to change our plans when we were given her initial diagnosis. Our home is a place that I have felt safe to give birth and raise our kids. We have cultivated every corner of our home to represent us, our marriage, and what we want our future to be.
Over the last two years our décor has slowly changed to reflect our children. We have multiple indigo and blush pink blankets, as well as pictures of Indigo around our home. Those are things we can take with us – they are tangible and easy to move. I plan to use these pieces in the same way in our new home in Florida. I may not be able to take the security of this exact house with us, but I can make it anew. I want to create the same level of security and peace in our new home, if not exceed it. Our Missouri home has been a resting place when we were exhausted from life, a safe place when the world seemed too cruel, and a welcoming place for our friends, family, and, eventually, Azure.
With moving I have the chance at a fresh start, to create a home for our family and new memories. Azure is still so young that I hope Florida will be his childhood home and we can welcome more children there. Typically, I am not a big fan of change, but this is a change that I feel is right for us in this season and so I am embracing it. Even so, it is incredibly difficult to leave such a familiar and comforting place.
We still have no idea where in Florida we will be living, and we have no source of income for when we move there. All we have is a calling, a church, and a moving date. I will miss our pink front door and the creaky hardwood floors, and I am scared of the unknown in moving forward, but I am so ready to begin another chapter in our lives; one that includes all of our kids in a new way.