By Shyanne Ceradsky
Mommy to Cecelia Faye
Anencephaly
July 19, 2022
My baby lived 39 precious weeks inside my womb, and just moments outside in the world, and her life still mattered.
We went to a third-party ultrasound place to get some 3D photos done of Cecelia when I was 15 weeks pregnant. Almost immediately after starting the ultrasound, the tech began asking me a lot of health-related questions and told me she would have to stop the ultrasound and advised me to contact my doctor right away. She said she couldn’t “see everything [she] was supposed to” and she couldn’t tell me anything more than that, so I immediately went to the ER and they did some extensive ultrasounds to see if there was any merit to these comments. The doctors all reassured me and told me things seemed fine, but told me to see my doctor soon just in case.
My doctor eventually sent me to the perinatal center around 17 weeks along and that’s when they did more ultrasounds. The tech didn’t say much during it and told me she’d be back soon. After about 20-30 minutes had passed, I knew something wasn’t right. I kept thinking back to the 3D ultrasound place and just knew in my gut something was wrong. I prayed to God in that moment and told Him I would still love my baby no matter what. The tech eventually came back with a nurse and rolled in a cart with an iPad on it. There wasn’t a doctor in-house, so they did have to get ahold of a Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctor via video-call. I could tell by the looks on their faces something wasn’t right as they introduced me to the doctor on the screen. He began by saying he would prefer to give this news in person, but that Cecelia had anencephaly and would most likely not survive.
We had never even heard of anencephaly, so we were extremely shocked and confused. He explained what our options were, and I immediately responded that we would be continuing the pregnancy because I wanted her to live as long as God allowed. My husband and I were pretty calm in the room, mostly because of the shock, I think. Once I made it outside, it all hit me and we were devastated to say the least. We had a lot of great support though, that day and throughout the rest of the pregnancy. Our hospital and doctors handled everything very well.
I found On Angels’ Wings when googling for resources after Cece’s diagnosis. They responded soon after and have been part of our journey ever since. Through them we were able to do a beautiful maternity shoot and they were there throughout my whole delivery.
I knew Cece was there weeks before I got a positive pregnancy test. Every ultrasound we had she would hide and kick at the ultrasound techs. When I’d eat ice cream, she would become so active. She loved (and then hated) my unhealthy Chick Fil A habit. She loved music and especially loved seeing Hamilton at the Fox, kicking almost the entire time. When her daddy Brian would read stories to her, she’d kick and move towards his voice.
She fought so hard to be here and I am still amazed at her strength (literally, my ribs can attest to that). Even though she was “incompatible with life” she DID live and honestly, she inspires me. She was even practicing her breathing in the womb, weeks before she was born. This doesn’t always happen with Anencephalic babies. I know she wanted to be here.
I tried so hard to enjoy the entire pregnancy and my limited days with her. I was nervous the entire first trimester and I’d have moments where I’d freak out and tell Brian I felt like something was wrong (pre-diagnosis). He’d reassure me, but it was always in the back of my mind. Only a couple days before her official diagnosis did I start shopping for her and bought her first outfit. I was starting to become more excited and hopeful, because I knew miscarriages were common in the first trimester, and we were past that.
I went into the hospital to be induced 4 days before Cece’s due date. She ended up having shoulder dystocia: since her head was underdeveloped due to the anencephaly, her shoulders got stuck and she had trouble getting out. Once she was finally out, the incredible nurses and doctors laid her on me. She only had a faint heartbeat and passed away on my chest.
We had an incredible photographer from OAW who helped us set up the photos we wanted. We will always cherish them; I am extremely grateful. During our time with Cece, we just held her and put her in a beautiful dress and hats that my husband’s aunt had made for her. I was unable to move most of my time with her due to the epidural, so I didn’t get to bathe her as I had wanted to. We sang to her and played some of her favorite songs that she would kick to when she was still in my belly. Because we chose to donate her heart valves, we only had a limited amount of time with her; we had to hand her off to the donation team after spending about nine hours with her. Handing her off was definitely the hardest part of it all.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to say what happened wasn’t my fault (although, my doctors say it isn’t my fault), but I am trying. We don’t know why this happened to her, but we are still so grateful God chose us to be her parents.
I am so thankful for the photographers’ time and effort with my photos, and grateful for Michelle C., who helped set everything up and provides unrelenting support. I couldn’t be more grateful for such an amazing organization; and while I wouldn’t wish a similar journey for any other parents, I would gladly recommend OAW to anyone facing similar circumstances.
My husband and I are coping fairly well. We’ve joined support groups and have had a lot of support from our family and friends. We still miss her every day and bring fresh flowers to her grave every chance we get. She was our first baby, and we are hoping if we are blessed with more, that we can share her memory with her future siblings. I’m always eager to talk about her and how hard she fought to be here. We love when you ask us about her. I know some people think it’ll make us sad to bring her up, but trust me, we’re always thinking of her and to know you are too is a gift to us. Heaven is real and we know Cece is there, looking down upon us.
We have peace knowing we will see her again one day. For now, we just cherish the memories we do have of her and the beautiful photos we were able to get with her, thanks to OAW.
“Every good and perfect gift comes from above.” -James 1:17 🌈
