Krista Dahl
Mommy to Charlee
Bilateral Renal Agenesis
May 2020
In May 2015, we welcomed our first beautiful daughter after an easy pregnancy. Two years later, in December 2017, we welcomed our son after a fairly simple pregnancy. I did have my gallbladder removed at 19 weeks, and then he was delivered via C-section at 40+1 because the little stinker flipped breech at the last minute, but we were both healthy and discharged quickly with no complications.
My third pregnancy was when things changed.
I miscarried in the basement of a theater during my 4-year-old’s first dance recital. That pregnancy was not planned, and losing the baby left us with so many questions about what we wanted for our future. We had planned for two kids, but after the miscarriage, I couldn’t help but feel like we weren’t done.
About four months later, I found out I was pregnant again. Getting pregnant with Charlee was also somewhat unexpected, but so exciting! We were ready to have three kids running around.
I was a nervous wreck going into our anatomy scan. Everything seemed to be going well until the tech got quiet and excused herself. Before we knew it, we were ushered into a tiny room that was so long and narrow that my husband and I couldn’t even sit next to each other, and had our world shattered.
The doctor was cold, harsh and blunt as he told us that our baby did not develop kidneys, and because of that, her lungs were not able to form. Charlee had Bilateral Renal Agenesis and would not be coming home with us. One of the nurses was beautifully kind and hugged us. I left with my arms loaded with pamphlets about loss and grief groups and a heartbeat animal, staring down a future where I would have to say goodbye to my child.
At the time, we were still grieving our miscarriage and taking care of two older children, who were 4 and 2. We had recently moved away from our hometown, my husband was beginning a grueling college program to earn his doctorate and CRNA degree, and we were in the midst of the COVID lockdown. In all of that fear and confusion, On Angels’ Wings was presented to us.
I barely remember reaching out to OAW. It was in a fog of putting one foot in front of the other.
My labor started as I decorated our apartment for my oldest daughter’s fifth birthday. I ignored it, convinced it was only Braxton Hicks. We celebrated her birthday with our best friends, who also happened to bring a camera and grabbed some maternity photos for us. Late the next night, we went to the hospital.
Labor was smooth. Charlee was four weeks early, but the doctors didn’t even think she would wait that long. We were able to hear a sweet cry, and were surprised to find out she was a girl! Ultrasounds were hard since I didn’t have much fluid, so we thought she was a boy.
Michelle was wonderful on the day Charlee was born. During the photographs, Charlee’s heart stopped. I looked to Michelle and asked if we could have a minute, and she gracefully pulled back and gave us our time before coming back in to capture some of the best and most heartwrenching family photos we would ever have.
Because of OAW, I have pictures of my three oldest babies together. Something I never would have had otherwise.
I wish we had more time to get to know Charlee. I know she loved listening to me read. Every night that I would read to the kids, she would flip and kick like crazy! She also was the first of our babies to have my dark hair when she was born.
Losing Charlee was excruciating for all of us. The experience taught us so much about grief and empathy. It helped us push in and be better supports for those around us going through painful times. It also made me so much more aware of infant loss as a possibility. I hold my breath a bit anytime someone announces their pregnancy. It scares me for my future grandkids, too. The doctors don’t think Bilateral Renal Agenesis is genetic, but it hasn’t been proven either way. I would like to see more research and awareness for Bilateral Renal Agenesis. It seems like something that should be treatable, but it just isn’t. There isn’t enough known about it.
In 2023, our family welcomed one more member, a little boy. He blew out candles with us on Charlee’s birthday cake this year.
OAW’s support has been so important. It is healing to feel seen and welcomed into a community when grief makes you want to collapse in on yourself. The photos are priceless. They are a way to keep Charlee in our lives on the day to day. The kids can see her and remember her. We can walk back through those moments together.
The ongoing support is so needed. This level of grief is so isolating. It is incredible and healing to feel seen and welcomed in a community that understands you.
I chose to participate in the first Grief Recovery group OAW offered in late 2021 because I was desperate for healing and connection. It was challenging to work through at times, but so rewarding to connect with other grieving parents. It was an important step in my healing journey. I went on to seek EMDR therapy and am now so much happier and less ruled by anxiety and grief.
I recommend OAW’s Grief Recovery Program to others, especially if you’re looking for the validation that comes from sharing grief in a group setting.
Today, we are back in our hometown, my husband is working his dream job and our kids are now 11, 8, and our sweet surprise rainbow came into our lives over two years ago.
It is so comforting to know that I can still access support in multiple ways through OAW.
