By Courtney Cornish
Mommy to Adalyn Everly & rainbow baby Cassidy
Adalyn was stillborn in May 2020
Cassidy was born March 2021
My husband and I started trying to get pregnant in 2016. We went to multiple fertility clinics, tried several medications, and were working toward IUI when we unexpectedly found out we were pregnant in 2020.
We planned to have two children close together so they would grow up together like our older girls.
As soon as I entered my second trimester with Adalyn, we began having trouble controlling my blood pressure. The medication doses kept increasing, but so did my symptoms. By 16 weeks, the headaches from my blood pressure were so severe that I couldn’t drive. By 18 weeks, I could no longer work because the medications made me so dizzy every time I changed positions.
When I was 22 weeks, what was supposed to be a routine blood pressure check, we were told that Adalyn no longer had a heartbeat.
The doctor allowed us to go to the hospital that evening to be induced. Because it was during COVID, only my husband was allowed to be with me. My labor nurse showed very little compassion, refusing to call the doctor for medication changes throughout the night. When I asked whether I should get an epidural, she told me she had delivered all three of her children without one, so she was the wrong person to ask.
I gave birth to Adalyn the next morning.
After she was stillborn, the doctors examined the placenta and discovered that her umbilical cord had only one artery instead of two. It had also narrowed and spiraled where it entered her body.
Julie had been our family photographer for years and was already volunteering with On Angels’ Wings. When we learned that Adalyn had died, special permission was granted for her to come to the hospital and photograph her birth. We were offered a CuddleCot, but I couldn’t bear the thought of her being cold. Just a few hours later, we were sent home without our daughter.
Adalyn was so loved and so wanted.
After losing her, we weren’t sure we would ever be able to have another baby. We had already struggled through years of infertility before conceiving Adalyn, so we stopped actively trying and simply left it in God’s hands.
Then we found out we were pregnant again.
Even though we were incredibly grateful, it was very difficult to celebrate Cassidy’s pregnancy. Losing Adalyn so suddenly meant I knew how quickly everything could change. If Cassidy moved too much, I worried she was in distress. If she didn’t move enough, I convinced myself she was already gone.
I also struggled with guilt, worrying that people would think we were replacing Adalyn. She could never be replaced, and I never wanted Cassidy to feel like she was a consolation prize.
Because of those fears, we intentionally celebrated every milestone we could. We announced the pregnancy early and held gender reveals with both our girls and our extended family so we could experience as much joy as possible, even while living with uncertainty. Once Cassidy arrived–safe and perfectly healthy–Julie came to our home and did newborn pictures for us, incorporating Adalyn’s heartbeat unicorn.
Today, every day reminds us that one of our children is missing. Our rainbow baby doesn’t have the sibling close in age that we had always imagined for her.
But Cassidy knows all about her big sister.
She asks about Adalyn because of my tattoo and the unicorn that contains her heartbeat recording—a stuffed animal that stands in for Adalyn in our family photos. Cassidy helps us decorate her grave, especially during the holidays, and when we talk about our daughters, Adalyn is always included.
Adalyn’s legacy lives on by helping us destigmatize stillbirth. My husband and I both have visible tattoos honoring her. We speak about her often, include her whenever someone asks how many children we have, and make sure she continues to be part of our family’s story.
The support of On Angels’ Wings means having a place where Adalyn’s name is spoken and where events are about her. It means being able to take family photos with her stuffed animal stand-in and participate in traditions like Santa pictures without feeling like we have to explain why she’s included.
The necklaces On Angels’ Wings gave my husband and me are the most treasured pieces of jewelry we own besides our wedding rings.
So often after losing Adalyn, people told us they had no idea what we were going through. Being surrounded by other families who truly understood has provided a kind of support that can’t be explained.
